DECEPTIVE LABELING: DISABLING OUR KIDS

“I am whatever you say I am; if I wasn't, then why would you say I am.” ~Eminem

“Once you label me, you negate me.” ~Soren Kierkegaard



ADD…dyslexic…obese…lazy…learning disabled…anti-social…rebellious…withdrawn…[add your own]…

I won’t quibble with the organic biological diagnoses that may be made to substantiate physiological conditions that may best be treated with a medical solution. Quite simply, I’m not a medical doctor. If your medical doctor has prescribed medication, then follow your medical doctor’s orders.

But in my work with both youth and adults over the years, I have encountered a recurring symptom in my clients that roots itself in a byproduct of medical and psychological diagnoses—“social labeling.” Some of you will adamantly disagree with my position on this subject, but repeated client breakthroughs have demonstrated to me that once the social labels are disarmed, then interpersonal and professional effectiveness soars.

Social labeling often attaches during the primary education grades, while the “second wave” swells the ranks during late middle school to early high school. Advancing through structured primary and secondary curricula, children are guided by caring educators who’ve prepared lesson plans designed to fulfill objectives and requirements often imposed administratively or legislatively. While many children effortlessly follow this track to gain knowledge and integrate seamlessly into the informal social systems they encounter, other children display unique tendencies that don’t neatly conform to the expectations. Lest I be accused of having listened to Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall” one too many times, let’s explore further.

Children are growing physically, intellectually and emotionally. Externalities--including siblings, parental discord and divorce, death of a loved one, chronic illness, etc.—weave themselves into that growth. Each event’s impact is difficult to measure with certainty, and each individual experiencing the event reacts uniquely. Children, while born innocent, will sometimes…

• Get distracted by their own thoughts about an event or the actions of others.
• Speak out in accordance with their perception of an event at the level of their own maturity.
• Act out externally the anxiety they experience internally at unscheduled moments inconducive to structured activities.
• Speak or act in a manner that mirrors the perceived context of a family member, friend, or media personality.

The child is observed by an adult or series of adults, including teachers, aides, and administrators over the course of several years. Behavioral changes in the child trigger the concern of one or more adults, who then engage internal resources [i.e. a guidance counselor, school psychologist] and external resources [child’s parent(s)] to discuss the concern. With the volume of decisions that each of us must make daily, human beings logically seek to categorize concerns to streamline the resolution process. Hence, “concerns” become “issues.”

Parents intuitively and lovingly desire what is best for their children, especially in matters of physical or emotional condition. Upon the advice of childhood education experts, parents often dutifully seek out the services of a physician or counselor to test and diagnose the child’s “issue,” so that the issue may be resolved. Issues are inconvenient and time consuming. A resolved issue allows the child (and the parents) to return to the normal routine of daily life.

Tests are administered. Results are produced. There is a loving expectation on the part of the parents to find a solution to help their child. There is a social expectation on the part of the school officials that the parents will deliver a solution in the persona of a mainstreamed child. But as I’ve discovered through countless sessions over the years, often the child has a different perception.

The child doesn’t (or as an adult recalling the experienced, didn’t) share the perception that there was an “issue.” In fact, often the very behaviors (i.e. clowning in class; sketching anime) that were being called into question are perceived by the child to be skills he/she enjoys. When encouraged to deepen the perceived strength(s), while acknowledging that childhood behavior need conform to a reasonable level of structural balance, the child’s efforts improve beyond the core strength(s). Additionally, when the social label is “disarmed” very bluntly and explicitly, the child adopts more interpersonal social ease. Humor and hyperbole aid the process.

The results are consistently positive as well when I work with adults who were labeled as children. Disarming the social label and viewing those questionable behaviors as inverted “survival skills” or “success strategies” often dislodges additional discoveries and realizations.

• “Risky” behavior becomes confident risk-taking.
• “Inappropriate” speaking out of turn becomes focused thought leadership.
• “Morbid” scribblings become artistic genre.

I’m a parent. You may be a parent or have friends who are parents. We mean well. We’d do anything to help our kids. But before we label and thus disable our youth, let’s press pause and review those behaviors in the context of externalities that may be impacting the child’s emotional frame of reference. Take the additional step to view the “questionable” behaviors as self-imposed survival skills or success strategies.

Then make a balanced and supportive decision how best to proceed…seek reconciliation without the social labels.

THE MYTH OF THE 24/7 LIFESTYLE

You have seen this individual: always moving, always talking, always "connected" via various gadgets. Advertisers and futurists would have us believe that EVERYONE is living the 24/7 lifestyle. Images of smart phones buzzing at 3 a.m., text messages, email, PCs that are never powered down amidst the perma-glowing screen. Fast. Available. On the go.

Really? No, I mean REALLY?

Is that really what life is about? Are the seasons, the oceans, the mountains, the sunset, the full moon, streams, rivers, foliage, ski slopes, ponds...all created simply to be backdrops to concrete, glass and asphalt office parks? Certainly not.

Again, picture the individuals you see allegedly living this 24/7 lifestyle. Do they appear peaceful? Do they enjoy hobbies? How are their family lives? How are they faring physically? Beneath the steely veneer of being a "go getter" lies deep-seated insecurity. The whirl of activity and work may mask the individual's inability to relax, converse, bond, until viewed more closely...in slow motion.

At the hour of the final judgment, will the Creator look this one-dimensional corporate "titan" in the eye and exclaim "well done"? Or will the Creator look beyond the trappings of earthly life, and see the broken spirit that would have benefited from more friendship, more healthful living, more balance? This mystery is not for you and I to judge, but from which we can certainly learn to shun.

TODAY'S QUESTION: Will you choose balance or will you pay the price for life unbalanced?

SLEDGEHAMMER COMMUNICATION

Have you ever observed someone who fails to employ an appropriate communication style when addressing a less-than-ideal situation? It appears as if the individual fails to grasp the nuances of either the situation or the ongoing nature of the relationship with the individual to whom he/she is speaking?

No, to this individual, communication is always wielded as a blunt offensive weapon in other than polite conversation...painful to observe as a third party. More sadly observed when the casual observer immediately recognizes that either the situation is of non-life threatening magnitude and/or the recipient of the missile is caught totally off-guard. Equally so, the recipient of the undeserved and unforeseen attack recognizes the interpersonal shortcoming in the delivery.

If you are simply observing this inappropriate use of communication, then you may be the individual who recognizes that a much calmer, rational, team-oriented communication style would serve far better to facilitate the solution while maintaining the desired ongoing nature of the relationship. True, some individuals will travel their entire lives dispensing ignorant tirades, leaving needless destruction behind, without ever concerning themselves with the constant need to begin anew (friends, partners, vendors, employees). In fact, instead of recognizing his/her own brutish behavior, that very individual may always blame the others for the departures, divorces, and discontinued business relationships...

Something good comes from observing or enduring this style of sledgehammer communication... one learns never to practice it upon others. The insecure, angry individual who exhibits this brutish behavior unintentionally delivers a teaching moment that can bolster our own interpersonal dynamic. At a common sense level, we recognize that appearing to be a jackass--regardless of title, status, or elected office-- is an appearance that no person of integrity would ever aspire to.

TODAY'S QUESTION: Is there ever really a need to use communication as an blunt offensive weapon in everyday interpersonal discourse?