“I am whatever you say I am; if I wasn't, then why would you say I am.” ~Eminem
“Once you label me, you negate me.” ~Soren Kierkegaard
ADD…dyslexic…obese…lazy…learning disabled…anti-social…rebellious…withdrawn…[add your own]…
I won’t quibble with the organic biological diagnoses that may be made to substantiate physiological conditions that may best be treated with a medical solution. Quite simply, I’m not a medical doctor. If your medical doctor has prescribed medication, then follow your medical doctor’s orders.
But in my work with both youth and adults over the years, I have encountered a recurring symptom in my clients that roots itself in a byproduct of medical and psychological diagnoses—“social labeling.” Some of you will adamantly disagree with my position on this subject, but repeated client breakthroughs have demonstrated to me that once the social labels are disarmed, then interpersonal and professional effectiveness soars.
Social labeling often attaches during the primary education grades, while the “second wave” swells the ranks during late middle school to early high school. Advancing through structured primary and secondary curricula, children are guided by caring educators who’ve prepared lesson plans designed to fulfill objectives and requirements often imposed administratively or legislatively. While many children effortlessly follow this track to gain knowledge and integrate seamlessly into the informal social systems they encounter, other children display unique tendencies that don’t neatly conform to the expectations. Lest I be accused of having listened to Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall” one too many times, let’s explore further.
Children are growing physically, intellectually and emotionally. Externalities--including siblings, parental discord and divorce, death of a loved one, chronic illness, etc.—weave themselves into that growth. Each event’s impact is difficult to measure with certainty, and each individual experiencing the event reacts uniquely. Children, while born innocent, will sometimes…
• Get distracted by their own thoughts about an event or the actions of others.
• Speak out in accordance with their perception of an event at the level of their own maturity.
• Act out externally the anxiety they experience internally at unscheduled moments inconducive to structured activities.
• Speak or act in a manner that mirrors the perceived context of a family member, friend, or media personality.
The child is observed by an adult or series of adults, including teachers, aides, and administrators over the course of several years. Behavioral changes in the child trigger the concern of one or more adults, who then engage internal resources [i.e. a guidance counselor, school psychologist] and external resources [child’s parent(s)] to discuss the concern. With the volume of decisions that each of us must make daily, human beings logically seek to categorize concerns to streamline the resolution process. Hence, “concerns” become “issues.”
Parents intuitively and lovingly desire what is best for their children, especially in matters of physical or emotional condition. Upon the advice of childhood education experts, parents often dutifully seek out the services of a physician or counselor to test and diagnose the child’s “issue,” so that the issue may be resolved. Issues are inconvenient and time consuming. A resolved issue allows the child (and the parents) to return to the normal routine of daily life.
Tests are administered. Results are produced. There is a loving expectation on the part of the parents to find a solution to help their child. There is a social expectation on the part of the school officials that the parents will deliver a solution in the persona of a mainstreamed child. But as I’ve discovered through countless sessions over the years, often the child has a different perception.
The child doesn’t (or as an adult recalling the experienced, didn’t) share the perception that there was an “issue.” In fact, often the very behaviors (i.e. clowning in class; sketching anime) that were being called into question are perceived by the child to be skills he/she enjoys. When encouraged to deepen the perceived strength(s), while acknowledging that childhood behavior need conform to a reasonable level of structural balance, the child’s efforts improve beyond the core strength(s). Additionally, when the social label is “disarmed” very bluntly and explicitly, the child adopts more interpersonal social ease. Humor and hyperbole aid the process.
The results are consistently positive as well when I work with adults who were labeled as children. Disarming the social label and viewing those questionable behaviors as inverted “survival skills” or “success strategies” often dislodges additional discoveries and realizations.
• “Risky” behavior becomes confident risk-taking.
• “Inappropriate” speaking out of turn becomes focused thought leadership.
• “Morbid” scribblings become artistic genre.
I’m a parent. You may be a parent or have friends who are parents. We mean well. We’d do anything to help our kids. But before we label and thus disable our youth, let’s press pause and review those behaviors in the context of externalities that may be impacting the child’s emotional frame of reference. Take the additional step to view the “questionable” behaviors as self-imposed survival skills or success strategies.
Then make a balanced and supportive decision how best to proceed…seek reconciliation without the social labels.
Showing posts with label reconciliation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reconciliation. Show all posts
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
MENDING THE FABRIC OF CIVILITY
“Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” ~Hebrews 12:14
“Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.” ~Archbishop Desmond Tutu
The fabric of civility in our society has been roughly handled and crudely torn at its very seams. If we fail to act decisively, then we shall have contributed to the unraveling of progress by our own selfish inaction.
Our media is overflowing with daily cycles of wrongdoing, perceived wrongdoing, insinuations and mudslinging. Politicians and their surrogates occupy the airwaves with highly-charged rhetoric designed to call an opponent’s or opposition’s judgment and results into question. Multinational corporate leaders stand accused of intentional wrongdoing or—at a minimum, gross incompetence—when a business decision fares poorly. Entertainers and professional athletes engage fans and detractors in social media to enflame manufactured personal rivalries designed to sell tickets and licensed apparel. The accountants will confirm that there’s money to be made in conflict.
Closer to home, our workplaces and our schools ooze the same stream of impersonal and interpersonal character assassination. In fact, more often than not, the localized rants are impersonal and euphemistic, muttered under one’s breath just loud enough that the intended target hears the comment. Devoid of substance, gossip is spread across youthful social networks, professional networks and in the “meetings after the meetings” by cowards who would dare not speak such vapid rubbish directly to the subject of their vitriol.
Regardless of one’s age, geography, educational achievement or professional standing, conflict—and especially manufactured conflict—hurts. Seeking to elevate one’s own subpar self-concept by stepping on the emotional backs of the innocent is as timeless as the entire world’s history. Like wild dogs, those weak in character feed upon the earned character of those who least deserve the attack. Being a public figure certainly should not give license to baseless sniping. Certainly the effects of bullying upon our youth have not been lost on the general public.
Let me pause here for a moment and stare into the looking glass.
I have been guilty of being unfair to another in my lifetime, having sown seeds of discord.
You have been guilty of being unfair to another in your lifetime.
The intentional maligning of others that I speak of above is the evolution of the subtler gossip and insinuations in which you and I engaged in our own respective lives. Much as the “little white lie” is the first step toward the telling of many lies, so too are the childish antics of gossip and name-calling the very progenitors of character assassination and interpersonal conflict.
How do we reduce the downward spiral of incivility?
1. Breaking the cycle of habitual gossip and insinuation is a personal first step toward reducing the level of conflict with others whom we engage. While we must cease our own initiation, we must also strive to quell such activity when we encounter it.
2. Returning to those whom we have wounded (intentionally or unintentionally) and humbling ourselves by admitting our own words or actions that may have contributed to the interpersonal conflict.
3. Committing ourselves to listen more attentively not only to what others are saying, but also to what visual clues may be in play.
4. Identifying and valuing at least one character asset in each individual whom we encounter.
When we have broken the cycle of interpersonal destruction and instead have turned toward the substantive work of true reconciliation with one another, then we may begin the uplifting work of collaborating across different perspectives in our schools, in our workplaces, and in our communities. Together we may then apply our efforts to mend the fabric of civility in the halls of our government, our multinational executive suites, and onto our entertainment stages and sports arenas.
Confrontation of the ugly truth of senseless interpersonal conflict will lead to genuine empowerment and growth. Together, we will mend the fabric of civility.
“Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.” ~Archbishop Desmond Tutu
The fabric of civility in our society has been roughly handled and crudely torn at its very seams. If we fail to act decisively, then we shall have contributed to the unraveling of progress by our own selfish inaction.
Our media is overflowing with daily cycles of wrongdoing, perceived wrongdoing, insinuations and mudslinging. Politicians and their surrogates occupy the airwaves with highly-charged rhetoric designed to call an opponent’s or opposition’s judgment and results into question. Multinational corporate leaders stand accused of intentional wrongdoing or—at a minimum, gross incompetence—when a business decision fares poorly. Entertainers and professional athletes engage fans and detractors in social media to enflame manufactured personal rivalries designed to sell tickets and licensed apparel. The accountants will confirm that there’s money to be made in conflict.
Closer to home, our workplaces and our schools ooze the same stream of impersonal and interpersonal character assassination. In fact, more often than not, the localized rants are impersonal and euphemistic, muttered under one’s breath just loud enough that the intended target hears the comment. Devoid of substance, gossip is spread across youthful social networks, professional networks and in the “meetings after the meetings” by cowards who would dare not speak such vapid rubbish directly to the subject of their vitriol.
Regardless of one’s age, geography, educational achievement or professional standing, conflict—and especially manufactured conflict—hurts. Seeking to elevate one’s own subpar self-concept by stepping on the emotional backs of the innocent is as timeless as the entire world’s history. Like wild dogs, those weak in character feed upon the earned character of those who least deserve the attack. Being a public figure certainly should not give license to baseless sniping. Certainly the effects of bullying upon our youth have not been lost on the general public.
Let me pause here for a moment and stare into the looking glass.
I have been guilty of being unfair to another in my lifetime, having sown seeds of discord.
You have been guilty of being unfair to another in your lifetime.
The intentional maligning of others that I speak of above is the evolution of the subtler gossip and insinuations in which you and I engaged in our own respective lives. Much as the “little white lie” is the first step toward the telling of many lies, so too are the childish antics of gossip and name-calling the very progenitors of character assassination and interpersonal conflict.
How do we reduce the downward spiral of incivility?
1. Breaking the cycle of habitual gossip and insinuation is a personal first step toward reducing the level of conflict with others whom we engage. While we must cease our own initiation, we must also strive to quell such activity when we encounter it.
2. Returning to those whom we have wounded (intentionally or unintentionally) and humbling ourselves by admitting our own words or actions that may have contributed to the interpersonal conflict.
3. Committing ourselves to listen more attentively not only to what others are saying, but also to what visual clues may be in play.
4. Identifying and valuing at least one character asset in each individual whom we encounter.
When we have broken the cycle of interpersonal destruction and instead have turned toward the substantive work of true reconciliation with one another, then we may begin the uplifting work of collaborating across different perspectives in our schools, in our workplaces, and in our communities. Together we may then apply our efforts to mend the fabric of civility in the halls of our government, our multinational executive suites, and onto our entertainment stages and sports arenas.
Confrontation of the ugly truth of senseless interpersonal conflict will lead to genuine empowerment and growth. Together, we will mend the fabric of civility.
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