MENDING THE FABRIC OF CIVILITY

“Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” ~Hebrews 12:14

“Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.” ~Archbishop Desmond Tutu

The fabric of civility in our society has been roughly handled and crudely torn at its very seams. If we fail to act decisively, then we shall have contributed to the unraveling of progress by our own selfish inaction.

Our media is overflowing with daily cycles of wrongdoing, perceived wrongdoing, insinuations and mudslinging. Politicians and their surrogates occupy the airwaves with highly-charged rhetoric designed to call an opponent’s or opposition’s judgment and results into question. Multinational corporate leaders stand accused of intentional wrongdoing or—at a minimum, gross incompetence—when a business decision fares poorly. Entertainers and professional athletes engage fans and detractors in social media to enflame manufactured personal rivalries designed to sell tickets and licensed apparel. The accountants will confirm that there’s money to be made in conflict.

Closer to home, our workplaces and our schools ooze the same stream of impersonal and interpersonal character assassination. In fact, more often than not, the localized rants are impersonal and euphemistic, muttered under one’s breath just loud enough that the intended target hears the comment. Devoid of substance, gossip is spread across youthful social networks, professional networks and in the “meetings after the meetings” by cowards who would dare not speak such vapid rubbish directly to the subject of their vitriol.

Regardless of one’s age, geography, educational achievement or professional standing, conflict—and especially manufactured conflict—hurts. Seeking to elevate one’s own subpar self-concept by stepping on the emotional backs of the innocent is as timeless as the entire world’s history. Like wild dogs, those weak in character feed upon the earned character of those who least deserve the attack. Being a public figure certainly should not give license to baseless sniping. Certainly the effects of bullying upon our youth have not been lost on the general public.

Let me pause here for a moment and stare into the looking glass.

I have been guilty of being unfair to another in my lifetime, having sown seeds of discord.

You have been guilty of being unfair to another in your lifetime.

The intentional maligning of others that I speak of above is the evolution of the subtler gossip and insinuations in which you and I engaged in our own respective lives. Much as the “little white lie” is the first step toward the telling of many lies, so too are the childish antics of gossip and name-calling the very progenitors of character assassination and interpersonal conflict.

How do we reduce the downward spiral of incivility?

1. Breaking the cycle of habitual gossip and insinuation is a personal first step toward reducing the level of conflict with others whom we engage. While we must cease our own initiation, we must also strive to quell such activity when we encounter it.

2. Returning to those whom we have wounded (intentionally or unintentionally) and humbling ourselves by admitting our own words or actions that may have contributed to the interpersonal conflict.

3. Committing ourselves to listen more attentively not only to what others are saying, but also to what visual clues may be in play.

4. Identifying and valuing at least one character asset in each individual whom we encounter.

When we have broken the cycle of interpersonal destruction and instead have turned toward the substantive work of true reconciliation with one another, then we may begin the uplifting work of collaborating across different perspectives in our schools, in our workplaces, and in our communities. Together we may then apply our efforts to mend the fabric of civility in the halls of our government, our multinational executive suites, and onto our entertainment stages and sports arenas.

Confrontation of the ugly truth of senseless interpersonal conflict will lead to genuine empowerment and growth. Together, we will mend the fabric of civility.