Monday, July 30, 2012

DECEPTIVE LABELING: DISABLING OUR KIDS

“I am whatever you say I am; if I wasn't, then why would you say I am.” ~Eminem

“Once you label me, you negate me.” ~Soren Kierkegaard



ADD…dyslexic…obese…lazy…learning disabled…anti-social…rebellious…withdrawn…[add your own]…

I won’t quibble with the organic biological diagnoses that may be made to substantiate physiological conditions that may best be treated with a medical solution. Quite simply, I’m not a medical doctor. If your medical doctor has prescribed medication, then follow your medical doctor’s orders.

But in my work with both youth and adults over the years, I have encountered a recurring symptom in my clients that roots itself in a byproduct of medical and psychological diagnoses—“social labeling.” Some of you will adamantly disagree with my position on this subject, but repeated client breakthroughs have demonstrated to me that once the social labels are disarmed, then interpersonal and professional effectiveness soars.

Social labeling often attaches during the primary education grades, while the “second wave” swells the ranks during late middle school to early high school. Advancing through structured primary and secondary curricula, children are guided by caring educators who’ve prepared lesson plans designed to fulfill objectives and requirements often imposed administratively or legislatively. While many children effortlessly follow this track to gain knowledge and integrate seamlessly into the informal social systems they encounter, other children display unique tendencies that don’t neatly conform to the expectations. Lest I be accused of having listened to Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall” one too many times, let’s explore further.

Children are growing physically, intellectually and emotionally. Externalities--including siblings, parental discord and divorce, death of a loved one, chronic illness, etc.—weave themselves into that growth. Each event’s impact is difficult to measure with certainty, and each individual experiencing the event reacts uniquely. Children, while born innocent, will sometimes…

• Get distracted by their own thoughts about an event or the actions of others.
• Speak out in accordance with their perception of an event at the level of their own maturity.
• Act out externally the anxiety they experience internally at unscheduled moments inconducive to structured activities.
• Speak or act in a manner that mirrors the perceived context of a family member, friend, or media personality.

The child is observed by an adult or series of adults, including teachers, aides, and administrators over the course of several years. Behavioral changes in the child trigger the concern of one or more adults, who then engage internal resources [i.e. a guidance counselor, school psychologist] and external resources [child’s parent(s)] to discuss the concern. With the volume of decisions that each of us must make daily, human beings logically seek to categorize concerns to streamline the resolution process. Hence, “concerns” become “issues.”

Parents intuitively and lovingly desire what is best for their children, especially in matters of physical or emotional condition. Upon the advice of childhood education experts, parents often dutifully seek out the services of a physician or counselor to test and diagnose the child’s “issue,” so that the issue may be resolved. Issues are inconvenient and time consuming. A resolved issue allows the child (and the parents) to return to the normal routine of daily life.

Tests are administered. Results are produced. There is a loving expectation on the part of the parents to find a solution to help their child. There is a social expectation on the part of the school officials that the parents will deliver a solution in the persona of a mainstreamed child. But as I’ve discovered through countless sessions over the years, often the child has a different perception.

The child doesn’t (or as an adult recalling the experienced, didn’t) share the perception that there was an “issue.” In fact, often the very behaviors (i.e. clowning in class; sketching anime) that were being called into question are perceived by the child to be skills he/she enjoys. When encouraged to deepen the perceived strength(s), while acknowledging that childhood behavior need conform to a reasonable level of structural balance, the child’s efforts improve beyond the core strength(s). Additionally, when the social label is “disarmed” very bluntly and explicitly, the child adopts more interpersonal social ease. Humor and hyperbole aid the process.

The results are consistently positive as well when I work with adults who were labeled as children. Disarming the social label and viewing those questionable behaviors as inverted “survival skills” or “success strategies” often dislodges additional discoveries and realizations.

• “Risky” behavior becomes confident risk-taking.
• “Inappropriate” speaking out of turn becomes focused thought leadership.
• “Morbid” scribblings become artistic genre.

I’m a parent. You may be a parent or have friends who are parents. We mean well. We’d do anything to help our kids. But before we label and thus disable our youth, let’s press pause and review those behaviors in the context of externalities that may be impacting the child’s emotional frame of reference. Take the additional step to view the “questionable” behaviors as self-imposed survival skills or success strategies.

Then make a balanced and supportive decision how best to proceed…seek reconciliation without the social labels.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

MENDING THE FABRIC OF CIVILITY

“Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” ~Hebrews 12:14

“Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.” ~Archbishop Desmond Tutu

The fabric of civility in our society has been roughly handled and crudely torn at its very seams. If we fail to act decisively, then we shall have contributed to the unraveling of progress by our own selfish inaction.

Our media is overflowing with daily cycles of wrongdoing, perceived wrongdoing, insinuations and mudslinging. Politicians and their surrogates occupy the airwaves with highly-charged rhetoric designed to call an opponent’s or opposition’s judgment and results into question. Multinational corporate leaders stand accused of intentional wrongdoing or—at a minimum, gross incompetence—when a business decision fares poorly. Entertainers and professional athletes engage fans and detractors in social media to enflame manufactured personal rivalries designed to sell tickets and licensed apparel. The accountants will confirm that there’s money to be made in conflict.

Closer to home, our workplaces and our schools ooze the same stream of impersonal and interpersonal character assassination. In fact, more often than not, the localized rants are impersonal and euphemistic, muttered under one’s breath just loud enough that the intended target hears the comment. Devoid of substance, gossip is spread across youthful social networks, professional networks and in the “meetings after the meetings” by cowards who would dare not speak such vapid rubbish directly to the subject of their vitriol.

Regardless of one’s age, geography, educational achievement or professional standing, conflict—and especially manufactured conflict—hurts. Seeking to elevate one’s own subpar self-concept by stepping on the emotional backs of the innocent is as timeless as the entire world’s history. Like wild dogs, those weak in character feed upon the earned character of those who least deserve the attack. Being a public figure certainly should not give license to baseless sniping. Certainly the effects of bullying upon our youth have not been lost on the general public.

Let me pause here for a moment and stare into the looking glass.

I have been guilty of being unfair to another in my lifetime, having sown seeds of discord.

You have been guilty of being unfair to another in your lifetime.

The intentional maligning of others that I speak of above is the evolution of the subtler gossip and insinuations in which you and I engaged in our own respective lives. Much as the “little white lie” is the first step toward the telling of many lies, so too are the childish antics of gossip and name-calling the very progenitors of character assassination and interpersonal conflict.

How do we reduce the downward spiral of incivility?

1. Breaking the cycle of habitual gossip and insinuation is a personal first step toward reducing the level of conflict with others whom we engage. While we must cease our own initiation, we must also strive to quell such activity when we encounter it.

2. Returning to those whom we have wounded (intentionally or unintentionally) and humbling ourselves by admitting our own words or actions that may have contributed to the interpersonal conflict.

3. Committing ourselves to listen more attentively not only to what others are saying, but also to what visual clues may be in play.

4. Identifying and valuing at least one character asset in each individual whom we encounter.

When we have broken the cycle of interpersonal destruction and instead have turned toward the substantive work of true reconciliation with one another, then we may begin the uplifting work of collaborating across different perspectives in our schools, in our workplaces, and in our communities. Together we may then apply our efforts to mend the fabric of civility in the halls of our government, our multinational executive suites, and onto our entertainment stages and sports arenas.

Confrontation of the ugly truth of senseless interpersonal conflict will lead to genuine empowerment and growth. Together, we will mend the fabric of civility.



Friday, July 20, 2012

IN WHAT I HAVE FAILED TO DO

“Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” ~Steve Jobs


"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:6-7


“I am dying…”

When we have heard those words from someone, we are struck with intertwined emotions whose intensity will often correlate with the depth of our relationship with the speaker. If you have yet to have heard someone speak those words to you, then one day you will hear them spoken. Underlying the phrase is the courage that it takes for one to speak those words out loud, because those words may only be spoken once the speaker has come to terms with the very grave truth within himself/herself.

At another level, we are ALL speaking that very phrase each and every day of our lives, though perhaps we do not say it with those words—or any words at all. But from the moment we are born we are each traveling a path that leads with certainty to our own individual death. Physical death. We may not know the precise method or timing of our own death, but everyone dies…eventually.

When we die physically to this world, we know that our souls continue to reside with our Creator eternally. Often we can celebrate a loved one’s passing confident in his/her eternal reward in Heaven, while also recounting his/her life lived fully here on Earth. What saddens me most is not the pending or past death of a loved one who has lived such a full life. What saddens me is the breathing being whose attitude, actions and words bespeak the phrase, “I am dead.”

By the very nature of what I do, individuals will often seek me out following a failure or string of failures in a variety of life areas. Desiring a different outcome, these individuals will not accept failure as a permanent state, recognizing at least intuitively that they must approach the situation with a fresh approach. Not knowing yet what form that approach might take, the individual will engage me to walk the next leg of the journey. Together we discern that which resides within the individual, unlocking the answer by removing unperceived “blind spots.”

In contrast, the individual who has equated a failure or string of failures with his/her identity poses a greater challenge to himself/herself. Contrary to the successful artist, athlete or businessperson who adopts and personifies the success that he/she has earned through effort and self-discipline, the “Failure” adopts the posture and attitude of one who will never succeed. Careless, undisciplined and bored, the stoop-shouldered Failure trudges aimlessly forward and side-to-side, muttering to no one in particular about his/her sorry state of affairs.

Recalling Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law from our grade school Science class, we learned that “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Both parts of this Law apply equally well to individuals. All individuals experience the “unbalanced force” of failure—think of failure as a friction that slows an object down.

Like a star running back who shakes off tacklers down after down, a successful individual will experience the friction of failure, learn from it, and run past it with renewed focus toward the desired outcome. The Failure experiences the friction of failure, lies on the ground and dwells too long upon the failure event, and at some point (after the first failure or the one hundredth failure) he/she simply ceases to move forward anymore and becomes inert. When people die, they cease to move anymore and become inert.

Unlike death, failure does NOT have to become a permanent condition. The only permanent failure is to experience failure and then fail to learn from it and move past it. No matter how many times (think Thomas Edison) an individual has failed, and even if he/she has become inert from the friction, it is NEVER too late to get moving forward again.

One. Small. Step.

Breathe one deep breath. Pray for fifteen seconds. Get up ten minutes earlier. Smile once.

Do one thing today. If you can do two things, then do two.

Tomorrow…may never come for you. But if it does, then do one thing tomorrow. Or two.

You don’t have to tell anyone else what you’re doing. You don’t have to write it down. You are only accountable for the action to yourself. And if you slip backward, acknowledge the lapse—and do one thing.

The beauty of the Newton’s First Law is that the two parts cannot happen simultaneously. If you are at rest, then you are not in motion until you begin to move. Likewise, if you are in motion doing one small step each day, then you are not standing still. Your objective is to keep moving. One small step at a time. Maybe two if you can manage.

If you are taking one small step at a time, then your life is no longer broadcasting, “I am dying.” You may not yet be setting the world on fire, but you are on the way to broadcasting, “I am living.” With continued small steps, you will evolve into “I am alive.”

One day you are going to die to this world, but if you have taken a series of small steps instead of lying down and accepting a mantle of failure, then your spirit and your loved ones who remain will joyfully recount at your Life Celebration that you “lived life fully.” That, my friend, is my prayer for you today.

So, don’t wait until you die physically. Take one small step today and LIVE YOUR LIFE FULLY forever.