“I am whatever you say I am; if I wasn't, then why would you say I am.” ~Eminem
“Once you label me, you negate me.” ~Soren Kierkegaard
ADD…dyslexic…obese…lazy…learning disabled…anti-social…rebellious…withdrawn…[add your own]…
I won’t quibble with the organic biological diagnoses that may be made to substantiate physiological conditions that may best be treated with a medical solution. Quite simply, I’m not a medical doctor. If your medical doctor has prescribed medication, then follow your medical doctor’s orders.
But in my work with both youth and adults over the years, I have encountered a recurring symptom in my clients that roots itself in a byproduct of medical and psychological diagnoses—“social labeling.” Some of you will adamantly disagree with my position on this subject, but repeated client breakthroughs have demonstrated to me that once the social labels are disarmed, then interpersonal and professional effectiveness soars.
Social labeling often attaches during the primary education grades, while the “second wave” swells the ranks during late middle school to early high school. Advancing through structured primary and secondary curricula, children are guided by caring educators who’ve prepared lesson plans designed to fulfill objectives and requirements often imposed administratively or legislatively. While many children effortlessly follow this track to gain knowledge and integrate seamlessly into the informal social systems they encounter, other children display unique tendencies that don’t neatly conform to the expectations. Lest I be accused of having listened to Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall” one too many times, let’s explore further.
Children are growing physically, intellectually and emotionally. Externalities--including siblings, parental discord and divorce, death of a loved one, chronic illness, etc.—weave themselves into that growth. Each event’s impact is difficult to measure with certainty, and each individual experiencing the event reacts uniquely. Children, while born innocent, will sometimes…
• Get distracted by their own thoughts about an event or the actions of others.
• Speak out in accordance with their perception of an event at the level of their own maturity.
• Act out externally the anxiety they experience internally at unscheduled moments inconducive to structured activities.
• Speak or act in a manner that mirrors the perceived context of a family member, friend, or media personality.
The child is observed by an adult or series of adults, including teachers, aides, and administrators over the course of several years. Behavioral changes in the child trigger the concern of one or more adults, who then engage internal resources [i.e. a guidance counselor, school psychologist] and external resources [child’s parent(s)] to discuss the concern. With the volume of decisions that each of us must make daily, human beings logically seek to categorize concerns to streamline the resolution process. Hence, “concerns” become “issues.”
Parents intuitively and lovingly desire what is best for their children, especially in matters of physical or emotional condition. Upon the advice of childhood education experts, parents often dutifully seek out the services of a physician or counselor to test and diagnose the child’s “issue,” so that the issue may be resolved. Issues are inconvenient and time consuming. A resolved issue allows the child (and the parents) to return to the normal routine of daily life.
Tests are administered. Results are produced. There is a loving expectation on the part of the parents to find a solution to help their child. There is a social expectation on the part of the school officials that the parents will deliver a solution in the persona of a mainstreamed child. But as I’ve discovered through countless sessions over the years, often the child has a different perception.
The child doesn’t (or as an adult recalling the experienced, didn’t) share the perception that there was an “issue.” In fact, often the very behaviors (i.e. clowning in class; sketching anime) that were being called into question are perceived by the child to be skills he/she enjoys. When encouraged to deepen the perceived strength(s), while acknowledging that childhood behavior need conform to a reasonable level of structural balance, the child’s efforts improve beyond the core strength(s). Additionally, when the social label is “disarmed” very bluntly and explicitly, the child adopts more interpersonal social ease. Humor and hyperbole aid the process.
The results are consistently positive as well when I work with adults who were labeled as children. Disarming the social label and viewing those questionable behaviors as inverted “survival skills” or “success strategies” often dislodges additional discoveries and realizations.
• “Risky” behavior becomes confident risk-taking.
• “Inappropriate” speaking out of turn becomes focused thought leadership.
• “Morbid” scribblings become artistic genre.
I’m a parent. You may be a parent or have friends who are parents. We mean well. We’d do anything to help our kids. But before we label and thus disable our youth, let’s press pause and review those behaviors in the context of externalities that may be impacting the child’s emotional frame of reference. Take the additional step to view the “questionable” behaviors as self-imposed survival skills or success strategies.
Then make a balanced and supportive decision how best to proceed…seek reconciliation without the social labels.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
MENDING THE FABRIC OF CIVILITY
“Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” ~Hebrews 12:14
“Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.” ~Archbishop Desmond Tutu
The fabric of civility in our society has been roughly handled and crudely torn at its very seams. If we fail to act decisively, then we shall have contributed to the unraveling of progress by our own selfish inaction.
Our media is overflowing with daily cycles of wrongdoing, perceived wrongdoing, insinuations and mudslinging. Politicians and their surrogates occupy the airwaves with highly-charged rhetoric designed to call an opponent’s or opposition’s judgment and results into question. Multinational corporate leaders stand accused of intentional wrongdoing or—at a minimum, gross incompetence—when a business decision fares poorly. Entertainers and professional athletes engage fans and detractors in social media to enflame manufactured personal rivalries designed to sell tickets and licensed apparel. The accountants will confirm that there’s money to be made in conflict.
Closer to home, our workplaces and our schools ooze the same stream of impersonal and interpersonal character assassination. In fact, more often than not, the localized rants are impersonal and euphemistic, muttered under one’s breath just loud enough that the intended target hears the comment. Devoid of substance, gossip is spread across youthful social networks, professional networks and in the “meetings after the meetings” by cowards who would dare not speak such vapid rubbish directly to the subject of their vitriol.
Regardless of one’s age, geography, educational achievement or professional standing, conflict—and especially manufactured conflict—hurts. Seeking to elevate one’s own subpar self-concept by stepping on the emotional backs of the innocent is as timeless as the entire world’s history. Like wild dogs, those weak in character feed upon the earned character of those who least deserve the attack. Being a public figure certainly should not give license to baseless sniping. Certainly the effects of bullying upon our youth have not been lost on the general public.
Let me pause here for a moment and stare into the looking glass.
I have been guilty of being unfair to another in my lifetime, having sown seeds of discord.
You have been guilty of being unfair to another in your lifetime.
The intentional maligning of others that I speak of above is the evolution of the subtler gossip and insinuations in which you and I engaged in our own respective lives. Much as the “little white lie” is the first step toward the telling of many lies, so too are the childish antics of gossip and name-calling the very progenitors of character assassination and interpersonal conflict.
How do we reduce the downward spiral of incivility?
1. Breaking the cycle of habitual gossip and insinuation is a personal first step toward reducing the level of conflict with others whom we engage. While we must cease our own initiation, we must also strive to quell such activity when we encounter it.
2. Returning to those whom we have wounded (intentionally or unintentionally) and humbling ourselves by admitting our own words or actions that may have contributed to the interpersonal conflict.
3. Committing ourselves to listen more attentively not only to what others are saying, but also to what visual clues may be in play.
4. Identifying and valuing at least one character asset in each individual whom we encounter.
When we have broken the cycle of interpersonal destruction and instead have turned toward the substantive work of true reconciliation with one another, then we may begin the uplifting work of collaborating across different perspectives in our schools, in our workplaces, and in our communities. Together we may then apply our efforts to mend the fabric of civility in the halls of our government, our multinational executive suites, and onto our entertainment stages and sports arenas.
Confrontation of the ugly truth of senseless interpersonal conflict will lead to genuine empowerment and growth. Together, we will mend the fabric of civility.
“Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.” ~Archbishop Desmond Tutu
The fabric of civility in our society has been roughly handled and crudely torn at its very seams. If we fail to act decisively, then we shall have contributed to the unraveling of progress by our own selfish inaction.
Our media is overflowing with daily cycles of wrongdoing, perceived wrongdoing, insinuations and mudslinging. Politicians and their surrogates occupy the airwaves with highly-charged rhetoric designed to call an opponent’s or opposition’s judgment and results into question. Multinational corporate leaders stand accused of intentional wrongdoing or—at a minimum, gross incompetence—when a business decision fares poorly. Entertainers and professional athletes engage fans and detractors in social media to enflame manufactured personal rivalries designed to sell tickets and licensed apparel. The accountants will confirm that there’s money to be made in conflict.
Closer to home, our workplaces and our schools ooze the same stream of impersonal and interpersonal character assassination. In fact, more often than not, the localized rants are impersonal and euphemistic, muttered under one’s breath just loud enough that the intended target hears the comment. Devoid of substance, gossip is spread across youthful social networks, professional networks and in the “meetings after the meetings” by cowards who would dare not speak such vapid rubbish directly to the subject of their vitriol.
Regardless of one’s age, geography, educational achievement or professional standing, conflict—and especially manufactured conflict—hurts. Seeking to elevate one’s own subpar self-concept by stepping on the emotional backs of the innocent is as timeless as the entire world’s history. Like wild dogs, those weak in character feed upon the earned character of those who least deserve the attack. Being a public figure certainly should not give license to baseless sniping. Certainly the effects of bullying upon our youth have not been lost on the general public.
Let me pause here for a moment and stare into the looking glass.
I have been guilty of being unfair to another in my lifetime, having sown seeds of discord.
You have been guilty of being unfair to another in your lifetime.
The intentional maligning of others that I speak of above is the evolution of the subtler gossip and insinuations in which you and I engaged in our own respective lives. Much as the “little white lie” is the first step toward the telling of many lies, so too are the childish antics of gossip and name-calling the very progenitors of character assassination and interpersonal conflict.
How do we reduce the downward spiral of incivility?
1. Breaking the cycle of habitual gossip and insinuation is a personal first step toward reducing the level of conflict with others whom we engage. While we must cease our own initiation, we must also strive to quell such activity when we encounter it.
2. Returning to those whom we have wounded (intentionally or unintentionally) and humbling ourselves by admitting our own words or actions that may have contributed to the interpersonal conflict.
3. Committing ourselves to listen more attentively not only to what others are saying, but also to what visual clues may be in play.
4. Identifying and valuing at least one character asset in each individual whom we encounter.
When we have broken the cycle of interpersonal destruction and instead have turned toward the substantive work of true reconciliation with one another, then we may begin the uplifting work of collaborating across different perspectives in our schools, in our workplaces, and in our communities. Together we may then apply our efforts to mend the fabric of civility in the halls of our government, our multinational executive suites, and onto our entertainment stages and sports arenas.
Confrontation of the ugly truth of senseless interpersonal conflict will lead to genuine empowerment and growth. Together, we will mend the fabric of civility.
Friday, July 20, 2012
IN WHAT I HAVE FAILED TO DO
“Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” ~Steve Jobs
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:6-7
“I am dying…”
When we have heard those words from someone, we are struck with intertwined emotions whose intensity will often correlate with the depth of our relationship with the speaker. If you have yet to have heard someone speak those words to you, then one day you will hear them spoken. Underlying the phrase is the courage that it takes for one to speak those words out loud, because those words may only be spoken once the speaker has come to terms with the very grave truth within himself/herself.
At another level, we are ALL speaking that very phrase each and every day of our lives, though perhaps we do not say it with those words—or any words at all. But from the moment we are born we are each traveling a path that leads with certainty to our own individual death. Physical death. We may not know the precise method or timing of our own death, but everyone dies…eventually.
When we die physically to this world, we know that our souls continue to reside with our Creator eternally. Often we can celebrate a loved one’s passing confident in his/her eternal reward in Heaven, while also recounting his/her life lived fully here on Earth. What saddens me most is not the pending or past death of a loved one who has lived such a full life. What saddens me is the breathing being whose attitude, actions and words bespeak the phrase, “I am dead.”
By the very nature of what I do, individuals will often seek me out following a failure or string of failures in a variety of life areas. Desiring a different outcome, these individuals will not accept failure as a permanent state, recognizing at least intuitively that they must approach the situation with a fresh approach. Not knowing yet what form that approach might take, the individual will engage me to walk the next leg of the journey. Together we discern that which resides within the individual, unlocking the answer by removing unperceived “blind spots.”
In contrast, the individual who has equated a failure or string of failures with his/her identity poses a greater challenge to himself/herself. Contrary to the successful artist, athlete or businessperson who adopts and personifies the success that he/she has earned through effort and self-discipline, the “Failure” adopts the posture and attitude of one who will never succeed. Careless, undisciplined and bored, the stoop-shouldered Failure trudges aimlessly forward and side-to-side, muttering to no one in particular about his/her sorry state of affairs.
Recalling Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law from our grade school Science class, we learned that “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Both parts of this Law apply equally well to individuals. All individuals experience the “unbalanced force” of failure—think of failure as a friction that slows an object down.
Like a star running back who shakes off tacklers down after down, a successful individual will experience the friction of failure, learn from it, and run past it with renewed focus toward the desired outcome. The Failure experiences the friction of failure, lies on the ground and dwells too long upon the failure event, and at some point (after the first failure or the one hundredth failure) he/she simply ceases to move forward anymore and becomes inert. When people die, they cease to move anymore and become inert.
Unlike death, failure does NOT have to become a permanent condition. The only permanent failure is to experience failure and then fail to learn from it and move past it. No matter how many times (think Thomas Edison) an individual has failed, and even if he/she has become inert from the friction, it is NEVER too late to get moving forward again.
One. Small. Step.
Breathe one deep breath. Pray for fifteen seconds. Get up ten minutes earlier. Smile once.
Do one thing today. If you can do two things, then do two.
Tomorrow…may never come for you. But if it does, then do one thing tomorrow. Or two.
You don’t have to tell anyone else what you’re doing. You don’t have to write it down. You are only accountable for the action to yourself. And if you slip backward, acknowledge the lapse—and do one thing.
The beauty of the Newton’s First Law is that the two parts cannot happen simultaneously. If you are at rest, then you are not in motion until you begin to move. Likewise, if you are in motion doing one small step each day, then you are not standing still. Your objective is to keep moving. One small step at a time. Maybe two if you can manage.
If you are taking one small step at a time, then your life is no longer broadcasting, “I am dying.” You may not yet be setting the world on fire, but you are on the way to broadcasting, “I am living.” With continued small steps, you will evolve into “I am alive.”
One day you are going to die to this world, but if you have taken a series of small steps instead of lying down and accepting a mantle of failure, then your spirit and your loved ones who remain will joyfully recount at your Life Celebration that you “lived life fully.” That, my friend, is my prayer for you today.
So, don’t wait until you die physically. Take one small step today and LIVE YOUR LIFE FULLY forever.
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:6-7
“I am dying…”
When we have heard those words from someone, we are struck with intertwined emotions whose intensity will often correlate with the depth of our relationship with the speaker. If you have yet to have heard someone speak those words to you, then one day you will hear them spoken. Underlying the phrase is the courage that it takes for one to speak those words out loud, because those words may only be spoken once the speaker has come to terms with the very grave truth within himself/herself.
At another level, we are ALL speaking that very phrase each and every day of our lives, though perhaps we do not say it with those words—or any words at all. But from the moment we are born we are each traveling a path that leads with certainty to our own individual death. Physical death. We may not know the precise method or timing of our own death, but everyone dies…eventually.
When we die physically to this world, we know that our souls continue to reside with our Creator eternally. Often we can celebrate a loved one’s passing confident in his/her eternal reward in Heaven, while also recounting his/her life lived fully here on Earth. What saddens me most is not the pending or past death of a loved one who has lived such a full life. What saddens me is the breathing being whose attitude, actions and words bespeak the phrase, “I am dead.”
By the very nature of what I do, individuals will often seek me out following a failure or string of failures in a variety of life areas. Desiring a different outcome, these individuals will not accept failure as a permanent state, recognizing at least intuitively that they must approach the situation with a fresh approach. Not knowing yet what form that approach might take, the individual will engage me to walk the next leg of the journey. Together we discern that which resides within the individual, unlocking the answer by removing unperceived “blind spots.”
In contrast, the individual who has equated a failure or string of failures with his/her identity poses a greater challenge to himself/herself. Contrary to the successful artist, athlete or businessperson who adopts and personifies the success that he/she has earned through effort and self-discipline, the “Failure” adopts the posture and attitude of one who will never succeed. Careless, undisciplined and bored, the stoop-shouldered Failure trudges aimlessly forward and side-to-side, muttering to no one in particular about his/her sorry state of affairs.
Recalling Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law from our grade school Science class, we learned that “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Both parts of this Law apply equally well to individuals. All individuals experience the “unbalanced force” of failure—think of failure as a friction that slows an object down.
Like a star running back who shakes off tacklers down after down, a successful individual will experience the friction of failure, learn from it, and run past it with renewed focus toward the desired outcome. The Failure experiences the friction of failure, lies on the ground and dwells too long upon the failure event, and at some point (after the first failure or the one hundredth failure) he/she simply ceases to move forward anymore and becomes inert. When people die, they cease to move anymore and become inert.
Unlike death, failure does NOT have to become a permanent condition. The only permanent failure is to experience failure and then fail to learn from it and move past it. No matter how many times (think Thomas Edison) an individual has failed, and even if he/she has become inert from the friction, it is NEVER too late to get moving forward again.
One. Small. Step.
Breathe one deep breath. Pray for fifteen seconds. Get up ten minutes earlier. Smile once.
Do one thing today. If you can do two things, then do two.
Tomorrow…may never come for you. But if it does, then do one thing tomorrow. Or two.
You don’t have to tell anyone else what you’re doing. You don’t have to write it down. You are only accountable for the action to yourself. And if you slip backward, acknowledge the lapse—and do one thing.
The beauty of the Newton’s First Law is that the two parts cannot happen simultaneously. If you are at rest, then you are not in motion until you begin to move. Likewise, if you are in motion doing one small step each day, then you are not standing still. Your objective is to keep moving. One small step at a time. Maybe two if you can manage.
If you are taking one small step at a time, then your life is no longer broadcasting, “I am dying.” You may not yet be setting the world on fire, but you are on the way to broadcasting, “I am living.” With continued small steps, you will evolve into “I am alive.”
One day you are going to die to this world, but if you have taken a series of small steps instead of lying down and accepting a mantle of failure, then your spirit and your loved ones who remain will joyfully recount at your Life Celebration that you “lived life fully.” That, my friend, is my prayer for you today.
So, don’t wait until you die physically. Take one small step today and LIVE YOUR LIFE FULLY forever.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
The Sinner, My Mirror-Image
"...[T]here is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free person, there is not male and female..." ~Galatians 3:28
"...[T]he Mass commences with a gathering of people...from all walks of life, from different social and educational backgrounds, from a variety of economic strata, with differing levels of moral excellence...gathered around the altar of Christ." ~ Robert Barron, Catholicism
I don't know about you, but my world is draped in a tapestry of diversity, whether at work, at the store, commuting, visiting, and so forth. Thank goodness everyone isn't exactly like me--they'd drive me nuts! I have annoying habits, moods, and sometimes I haven't been as patient or kind to my loved ones, or strangers, as I ought to have been. I might be inclined to seek justification in the words or actions of others, but a visit to my mirror is all I truly need to be reminded who the culprit has been. You see, I'm a sinner. And, Jesus loves me anyway.
Wow! Stop and think about that for an additional moment...
I'm a sinner. When faced with choices in life, I sometimes choose words, thoughts, actions or ommissions that contravene what God would have preferred me to undertake. Apparently I'm not alone. The accomplished person we might admire...a sinner. The poor individual we might pity...a sinner. The role model educator or coach...a sinner. Our favorite saints...sinners, too. Such good company does not, of course, excuse my own sinfulness. Fortunately, I have Lent.
God has loved you and I from before we were even formed. He is taking no pleasure in our sinfulness, but he is also not seeking harsh punishment for us. But, until I can name my sin, admit my sin, recognize the grave impact that my sin has upon my relationship with God, as well as my relationship with those upon whom my sin affects, I am broken.
I am NOT forsaken. But, I am responsible to repent.
Our Lord is not going to analyze our worldly measurements before washing away our sins. He is not going to differentiate between earthly strata or human-made honors when dispensing His forgiveness. God loved me just as much when I was a young ditch-digger and restaurant dishwasher, as he will when I am a retired grandfather.
Do I exercise that same level of non-judgmental, status-blind love and forgiveness in my daily walk?
While we undoubtedly each love the Lord with all our hearts and souls, are we fully living out our baptismal promise as we engage the world each day, sharing the Eucharist with all whom we encounter?
...Do we sincerely thank our husbands or wives for the necessary tasks they perform each day for our family's benefit?
...Do we genuinely listen to our children as they recount their highlights and challenges of the school day?
...Do we greet the custodian or security guard at work with the same caring smile and enthusiasm that we greet our boss?
...Do we offer non-judgmental and active listening to a co-worker or neighbor who expresses personal challenges?
...Do we say "yes" to volunteer when it would have been easier and more self-convenient to have said "no" instead?
...Add your own...
Sadly, I fail. No, I don't fail each and every time. But I fail often enough that I know I could do better to build God's Kingdom by embracing these daily moments to be Christ to that person whom I encounter. I'm...a sinner.
Thankfully, it's Lent! And I have the opportunity EVERY DAY to better live out our Faith. I believe that folks really don't care how pious we appear, but they do observe how genuinely we actively represent our Faith. It's the little things that count.
They will know that we have something that they are lacking. Be yourself.
They will ask how they can get what we have. Be yourself.
They will know that we don't have all the answers. Be yourself.
Yourself. Myself. That's how God created us and how He loves us.
I looked in the mirror today...and I saw a sinner...and that sinner is me.
"...[T]he Mass commences with a gathering of people...from all walks of life, from different social and educational backgrounds, from a variety of economic strata, with differing levels of moral excellence...gathered around the altar of Christ." ~ Robert Barron, Catholicism
I don't know about you, but my world is draped in a tapestry of diversity, whether at work, at the store, commuting, visiting, and so forth. Thank goodness everyone isn't exactly like me--they'd drive me nuts! I have annoying habits, moods, and sometimes I haven't been as patient or kind to my loved ones, or strangers, as I ought to have been. I might be inclined to seek justification in the words or actions of others, but a visit to my mirror is all I truly need to be reminded who the culprit has been. You see, I'm a sinner. And, Jesus loves me anyway.
Wow! Stop and think about that for an additional moment...
I'm a sinner. When faced with choices in life, I sometimes choose words, thoughts, actions or ommissions that contravene what God would have preferred me to undertake. Apparently I'm not alone. The accomplished person we might admire...a sinner. The poor individual we might pity...a sinner. The role model educator or coach...a sinner. Our favorite saints...sinners, too. Such good company does not, of course, excuse my own sinfulness. Fortunately, I have Lent.
God has loved you and I from before we were even formed. He is taking no pleasure in our sinfulness, but he is also not seeking harsh punishment for us. But, until I can name my sin, admit my sin, recognize the grave impact that my sin has upon my relationship with God, as well as my relationship with those upon whom my sin affects, I am broken.
I am NOT forsaken. But, I am responsible to repent.
Our Lord is not going to analyze our worldly measurements before washing away our sins. He is not going to differentiate between earthly strata or human-made honors when dispensing His forgiveness. God loved me just as much when I was a young ditch-digger and restaurant dishwasher, as he will when I am a retired grandfather.
Do I exercise that same level of non-judgmental, status-blind love and forgiveness in my daily walk?
While we undoubtedly each love the Lord with all our hearts and souls, are we fully living out our baptismal promise as we engage the world each day, sharing the Eucharist with all whom we encounter?
...Do we sincerely thank our husbands or wives for the necessary tasks they perform each day for our family's benefit?
...Do we genuinely listen to our children as they recount their highlights and challenges of the school day?
...Do we greet the custodian or security guard at work with the same caring smile and enthusiasm that we greet our boss?
...Do we offer non-judgmental and active listening to a co-worker or neighbor who expresses personal challenges?
...Do we say "yes" to volunteer when it would have been easier and more self-convenient to have said "no" instead?
...Add your own...
Sadly, I fail. No, I don't fail each and every time. But I fail often enough that I know I could do better to build God's Kingdom by embracing these daily moments to be Christ to that person whom I encounter. I'm...a sinner.
Thankfully, it's Lent! And I have the opportunity EVERY DAY to better live out our Faith. I believe that folks really don't care how pious we appear, but they do observe how genuinely we actively represent our Faith. It's the little things that count.
They will know that we have something that they are lacking. Be yourself.
They will ask how they can get what we have. Be yourself.
They will know that we don't have all the answers. Be yourself.
Yourself. Myself. That's how God created us and how He loves us.
I looked in the mirror today...and I saw a sinner...and that sinner is me.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
REVERSIBLE COMMUNICATION FAILURE
"While the rest of the world has been improving technology,
Ghana has been improving the quality of man's humanity to man." ~Maya Angelou
"It's not a faith in technology. It's faith in people." ~Steve Jobs
I certainly embrace the efficiencies we have gained to communicate and transact globally using the bounty of technology that has emerged over the past two decades. But even Steve Jobs knew that technology was the tool to aid humanity, not to replace humanity.
Unfortunately, I attribute the degradation of communication style to a collective over-reliance upon technology tools that allow for the decrease in face-to-face communication. It is not mandatory that we decrease our face-to-face communication, but if we allow ourselves to hide behind our smart phones as we walk down the sidewalk, we may come to believe that we are being productive.
But, as with any muscle that we fail to use to its capacity, gradual entropy of communication style, the ability to interpret body language, grace, tone, etc.result direct. This decline in style and skill has led to a lowest-common-denominator commoditization of communication in cyberspace, which when exercised in person is often stunted at best.
Skip Weisman, a fellow member of The Leadership Trust recently posted an insightful article that brought the topic of Ineffective Workplace Communication to the fore. Much like the management-by-walking-around movement got us out of our offices and back onto the plant floors and into the work spaces of our teams, so too must we now look up from our smart phones and tablets, set them down, and engage our colleagues in an authentic, in-person manner to redevelop the skills that our forebears exercised well and effectively.
"It's not a faith in technology. It's faith in people." ~Steve Jobs
I certainly embrace the efficiencies we have gained to communicate and transact globally using the bounty of technology that has emerged over the past two decades. But even Steve Jobs knew that technology was the tool to aid humanity, not to replace humanity.
Unfortunately, I attribute the degradation of communication style to a collective over-reliance upon technology tools that allow for the decrease in face-to-face communication. It is not mandatory that we decrease our face-to-face communication, but if we allow ourselves to hide behind our smart phones as we walk down the sidewalk, we may come to believe that we are being productive.
But, as with any muscle that we fail to use to its capacity, gradual entropy of communication style, the ability to interpret body language, grace, tone, etc.result direct. This decline in style and skill has led to a lowest-common-denominator commoditization of communication in cyberspace, which when exercised in person is often stunted at best.
Skip Weisman, a fellow member of The Leadership Trust recently posted an insightful article that brought the topic of Ineffective Workplace Communication to the fore. Much like the management-by-walking-around movement got us out of our offices and back onto the plant floors and into the work spaces of our teams, so too must we now look up from our smart phones and tablets, set them down, and engage our colleagues in an authentic, in-person manner to redevelop the skills that our forebears exercised well and effectively.
This communication breakdown is occurring on two levels: (1) our own behavior; and (2) the behavior of those we interact with.
I'm the worst offender...I had to come to terms with my own behavior. Now, while I hadn't exactly crossed over to the realm of believing that "my friends live in it," I had found myself walking down the street--even crossing the street--checking email, etc. I would sit in meetings and check incoming messages as they appeared, which is often every five minutes or less. As colleagues, friends and family would bring it to my attention, I'd laugh the observations off with a "hey, this is how we do it" smile and shoulder shrug.
Because I do speak publicly and meet with others so frequently, I wasn't experiencing the entropy of interpersonal communication, nor was I pulling out my smart phone in the midst of delivering seminars. But I certainly was allowing technological interconnectedness to come into conference rooms and restaurants beyond what I would characterize as good form. So, I took personal responsibility for it and decreased (not eliminated) my own personal offenses. Heck, if our nation's forebearers were able to found the United States, establish international trade treaties, and usher in the industrial revolution with free market civility--all without 24/7 texting and email-- then I became convinced that I'd survive without my face glued to my handheld device.
Regarding those with whom we interact, we can certainly gently remind them that eye contact is still in vogue, but truly once we take control of our own behavior, we can then restore enough sanity from our end to restore and strengthen traditional face-to-face dialogue. This is where it gets really interesting.
The more that I observe the degradation of communication in individuals who recede into the relative non-verbal safety of their tablets and smart phones, the more that I realize the crutch that these devices represent to those who may always have been uncomfortable communicating verbally. While I do not expect every individual to assume a gregarious posture contrary to a more sedate nature, I have come to recognize poor communication among managers and teams as contributing to productivity decreases, turnover and heightened stress in the workplace. Either provide communication training to those individuals, or simply stop promoting them beyond their communicative capability.
Let's look at our own teams:
Certainly, we have made some great strides during the technological revolution, but as Maya Angelou noted, we cannot cease devoting ourselves to "improving the quality of man's humanity to man."
Lead with Integrity.
I'm the worst offender...I had to come to terms with my own behavior. Now, while I hadn't exactly crossed over to the realm of believing that "my friends live in it," I had found myself walking down the street--even crossing the street--checking email, etc. I would sit in meetings and check incoming messages as they appeared, which is often every five minutes or less. As colleagues, friends and family would bring it to my attention, I'd laugh the observations off with a "hey, this is how we do it" smile and shoulder shrug.
Because I do speak publicly and meet with others so frequently, I wasn't experiencing the entropy of interpersonal communication, nor was I pulling out my smart phone in the midst of delivering seminars. But I certainly was allowing technological interconnectedness to come into conference rooms and restaurants beyond what I would characterize as good form. So, I took personal responsibility for it and decreased (not eliminated) my own personal offenses. Heck, if our nation's forebearers were able to found the United States, establish international trade treaties, and usher in the industrial revolution with free market civility--all without 24/7 texting and email-- then I became convinced that I'd survive without my face glued to my handheld device.
Regarding those with whom we interact, we can certainly gently remind them that eye contact is still in vogue, but truly once we take control of our own behavior, we can then restore enough sanity from our end to restore and strengthen traditional face-to-face dialogue. This is where it gets really interesting.
The more that I observe the degradation of communication in individuals who recede into the relative non-verbal safety of their tablets and smart phones, the more that I realize the crutch that these devices represent to those who may always have been uncomfortable communicating verbally. While I do not expect every individual to assume a gregarious posture contrary to a more sedate nature, I have come to recognize poor communication among managers and teams as contributing to productivity decreases, turnover and heightened stress in the workplace. Either provide communication training to those individuals, or simply stop promoting them beyond their communicative capability.
Let's look at our own teams:
- Should we be devoting more time to truly open team communication and one-on-one meetings?
- Have we asked and accurately understood our employees' individual passions, both professional and personal?
- Do we exercise the courage the solicit feedback from our leaders, peers and direct reports so that we may improve our communication and work style?
Certainly, we have made some great strides during the technological revolution, but as Maya Angelou noted, we cannot cease devoting ourselves to "improving the quality of man's humanity to man."
Lead with Integrity.
Friday, September 30, 2011
ALLIGATORS IN EVERY SWAMP
“A
man does what he must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of
obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human
morality.” ~Winston
Churchill
“Courage and perseverance have a
magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into
air.” ~John Quincy Adams
“If the fisherman and the
hunters feared alligators, then there would be no recreation in the swamp.” Far
from being an over broad generalization, the speaker was simply making the point
that motivation overcomes perceived obstacles. While it is wise to mitigate
risk—especially the risk of being overtaken by an alligator during a hunting
trip—as Leaders we cannot wait until all obstacles have been removed before proceeding.
There are “alligators in every swamp.” The alligators are
the obstacles and the swamp is the arena in which we are operating. While our
ultimate objective might be to rid the swamp of all alligators (perhaps by “draining
the swamp”), in the immediate term we must be able to effectively lead our
teams, serve our clients and meet or exceed our organization’s objectives.
On a personal leadership level, one must be able to
identify the potential or known alligator—perhaps a rival—and develop
strategies to effectively collaborate with the individual when necessary
(perhaps even daily) and to leave the alligator well enough alone the remainder
of the time. Over time, trust may strengthen as the alligator comes to regard
you as a non-predator, and a relationship may very well blossom.
At the team leadership level, we are well-served to
anticipate the obstacles that may arise in resource allocation,
miscommunication, diverse skill sets and personalities, etc. Upon taking inventory
of each team member, whether via personality/behavioral testing or objective
observation, develop individuals and assign roles to maximize the unique
qualities that each member of the team possesses and executes well. As team
membership changes, re-assess and re-assign as you deem effective.
When reviewing the swamp at the organizational level, we
must begin with our mission. What outcomes have we committed to achieving to
fulfill our mission? Much like the dedicated hunter that braves the presence of
alligators to nonetheless enter the fertile swamp, we as Leaders must
acknowledge with certainty and optimism that although we will encounter
obstacles in our path to achieve the outcomes, we shall not fall to those
obstacles.
Marketplace competitors, government regulation, loss of
key executives, etc. always have been and will continue to be present as we
pursue our mission. Our commitment to set and achieve identifiable and
measurable personal, team and organizational outcomes must supersede any tendency
toward hesitation or retrenchment. Acknowledging and neutralizing the
alligators in our swamp quickly will enable us to lead our teams to focus
solely upon those misson-driven outcomes.
Leave it to others less committed and less passionate (rivals, competitors, naysayers) to delay
or to stay home and miss an abundant day of fishing in the swamp. Lead the way!
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